Every couple experiences moments when they want different things. One partner says, “Let’s do this,” while the other responds, “I’d rather do that.” Differences are a normal part of every relationship. The problem is not that couples disagree—it is how they respond when they do.
Many conflicts begin with a simple difference in preferences but quickly become a struggle over who is right. One partner insists on their solution, the other pushes back, and before long the conversation has become a tug-of-war. The original issue often gets lost, leaving both people feeling frustrated, unheard, or disconnected.
One of the most helpful shifts couples can make is learning to move away from defending positions and toward understanding concerns.
From Positions to Concerns
A position is the solution you are proposing.
- “Let’s go out for dinner.”
- “I want to stay home.”
- “We should spend less money.”
- “Let’s visit my parents.”
A concern is the feeling, need, hope, or value underneath that position.
For example:
One partner says:
“I want to stay home tonight.”
Instead of debating the solution, ask:
“What is important about staying home tonight?”
The answer might be:
- “I’ve had an exhausting week.”
- “I need some quiet.”
- “I miss spending relaxed time together.”
Likewise, if the other partner wants to go out, the concern might be:
- “I miss having fun together.”
- “I want us to reconnect.”
- “I’ve been looking forward to getting out of the house.”
Notice that while the solutions are different, the underlying needs are not necessarily incompatible.
Creating an “Our Way”
When couples focus only on solutions, they often become stuck in “my way” versus “your way.”
When they explore the concerns underneath each person’s position, a new possibility emerges:
“Our way.”
Instead of choosing between staying home or going out, they might decide to order dinner, take a walk together, and plan a special evening out later in the week.
Neither partner “wins.”
Instead, the relationship wins.
The goal is not compromise where both people leave partially dissatisfied. Rather, it is to create a solution that considers what is important to both partners whenever possible.
The Four Common Ways Couples Get Stuck
When couples don’t slow down and explore each other’s concerns, they often fall into one of four patterns:
Avoidance
The issue is never discussed. Tension builds beneath the surface, creating emotional distance and anxiety.
Fighting
Each partner becomes more invested in proving they are right than understanding one another. The conversation turns into a power struggle.
Giving In
One partner consistently gives up their needs to avoid conflict. While this may bring temporary peace, resentment and sadness often build over time.
Escaping
Instead of addressing the issue together, one or both partners withdraw emotionally or distract themselves through work, technology, alcohol, or other forms of avoidance.
While these responses may reduce discomfort temporarily, they rarely resolve the underlying problem.
Slow Down Before You Solve
Most relationship conflicts are not caused by irreconcilable differences. More often, they arise because partners become caught in defensive patterns before they fully understand each other’s experience.
Before searching for solutions, try asking:
- What is really important to you about this?
- What are you hoping for?
- What are you worried about?
- What need is underneath your position?
When both partners feel heard, understood, and emotionally safe, solutions often emerge naturally.
Couples Therapy Can Help
Learning to communicate in this way takes practice. Under stress, our nervous systems naturally become protective. We become defensive, critical, withdrawn, or reactive.
Couples therapy provides a space to slow conversations down, better understand the emotions and attachment needs beneath conflict, and develop healthier ways of communicating.
Healthy relationships are not built because two people never disagree.
They are built because two people learn how to move from “my way” and “your way” toward “our way.”
That is where collaboration, emotional safety, and lasting intimacy begin.
*The ideas in this article are inspired by the work of psychologist Dr. Susan Heitler, whose collaborative approach to conflict resolution emphasizes moving from “my way” and “your way” toward “our way.” The reflections below integrate these principles with my own trauma-informed, attachment-based, and somatic approach to couples therapy.